Monday, April 25, 2011

My Ups and Downs

My last semester of college is coming to a close, and I'm sure that has something to do with the emotional schizophrenia that I've been cycling through for the past two weeks. Thinking about future dreams and looking at the present is something that has gone from being exciting to frustrating for me very quickly.

I guess the fact that everybody tells me to dream big, and that the future is large, and that they're so excited about what I will become puts a lot of pressure on my current, unachieved self. It's like being told "One day you're gonna make a car speed really fast on a highway and cause people to get to and from where they want to go" when you're only a newly made car battery. You're thinking, "I'm a square-shaped box that can't even move on it's own... what do you mean I'm gonna do all that? HOW?" Thats where the frustration comes in. It comes from not understanding what you're made of, and what the other parts of the puzzle are. At this point, all you can see is yourself, then you start feeling inadequate because you think you need to make yourself able to do all these things that you are obviously not going to be able to do.

You don't see the mechanic that is going to take you and place you in a car, you don't see the car (or even know that it exists) and you definitely don't see yourself as being part of a car. Away from the car analogy, and back to me - I don't see anything past the next two weeks, so the dreams, the promises all serve to make me feel that a beautiful impossibility lies ahead of me. One that I am not equipped for.

I think part of it too, is that you think I don't think of my future as involving other people; when I think of myself doing something in the future, the image in my head is me walking through the vast expanse of the desert alone. I always forget that the gifts of the child of God is for the body and to be used in the body of believers - thus alongside other people, like a team. The poor car battery would probably become suicidal at the thought of carrying people back and forth if it was unaware of the car seats that made up its team.

Obviously I know that God is in control, and I know that He doesn't need to give me the whole picture, and I just need to live by faith and walk by the Spirit. However willing the Spirit is though, the flesh is weak (can we just get rid of this thing Lord? :) )
So my ups are my faith and belief in the One who promised, and in His faithfulness, and my downs are my constant battles with my human nature. Its kind of like a thorn-in-the-flesh situation, so I think its a lifetime battle, that I will just keep getting better at as He gives His grace.

PS. Funny story, remember that dream I had, well two weeks ago I cut off my hair! My own personal epiphany I guess lol. No, I went for it because I think they are adorable, and I'm loving it right now!

Monday, April 18, 2011

From the Beloved

             Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for 
              love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.” 
                                           Song of Solomon 8:6

Maker, Your excellence cannot be taken in standing
Your beauty leaves me in the type of state
That can only embark on a remark on your remarkableness.
Last night I stargazed
After the warm spring flowers had hidden under the dark
And I missed You terribly
Longed to hear You again
Touch your Presence
Bathe in the lucid waters of Your Love
Waltz in the savanna of your Grace
So I read Isaiah’s forty third chapter, verses 2-4 and volts of love ran down my spine in rapid succession
Who is worthy to be ransomed by You?
Worthy to be called daughter of the Majesty?
Whose idea of you, in all its fascination can ever approach the Shekinah?
Yet my Lord thinks of me, more than the sands of beaches, more than the stars
You celebrate over me, proposing an exchange of hearts
You have christened me Precious Jewel
Called me Your dwelling place
And I am simply
Awestruck . Wordless . Undone
At the Wonder that You are

"03/08" - In late recognition of Int. Women's Day

Have you read Xinran's 'The Good Women of China'? Such an emotion provoking book. I had to numb my senses to keep flipping the pages as these women met with horror after horror. Very interesting non-fictional account of the plight of women, and the Chinese people in general during and shortly after the Cultural Revolution I read it a couple of weeks ago. Around the same time, I kept coming across women who had gone through some pretty terrible things in childhood and in life and felt prompted one night to write something about them. This is a poem about the things that women all over the world think, are afraid to think, or do not recognize as problems that they are facing.

I don’t want to be quiet.
When I cry, I don’t want you to cover my mouth anymore
I want our daughter to know me, and that I understand her
I want to be the only person you have, just like you’re the only person I have
I don’t want to be ashamed of being naked because of the way you look at me
I want to work; there are things I know how to do besides… besides
I don’t want to do all the chores alone
I want to wear make-up if I want to
I don’t want to have to wear make-up for you to be seen around me
I don’t want to be used.
I want to wait a little in between children
It takes some time to recover
I don’t want you to talk to me like I’m nothing
Especially in front of our daughter
I don’t want to be introduced to your friends as “hey, get us some drinks”
 I want to talk to male friends without being accused
I don’t want to lie down
I don’t want to be threatened
To be taught a lesson I will never forget
To be dealt with later
To be have
I want to be loved
I want to feel like a woman

               Because right now I feel like a lobster in a steaming pot, 
               screaming too loudly to be heard, and if you don’t turn the bloody heat down,
               I will die, do you hear me?! You will lose us all! 

You’re not listening.