Monday, April 25, 2011

My Ups and Downs

My last semester of college is coming to a close, and I'm sure that has something to do with the emotional schizophrenia that I've been cycling through for the past two weeks. Thinking about future dreams and looking at the present is something that has gone from being exciting to frustrating for me very quickly.

I guess the fact that everybody tells me to dream big, and that the future is large, and that they're so excited about what I will become puts a lot of pressure on my current, unachieved self. It's like being told "One day you're gonna make a car speed really fast on a highway and cause people to get to and from where they want to go" when you're only a newly made car battery. You're thinking, "I'm a square-shaped box that can't even move on it's own... what do you mean I'm gonna do all that? HOW?" Thats where the frustration comes in. It comes from not understanding what you're made of, and what the other parts of the puzzle are. At this point, all you can see is yourself, then you start feeling inadequate because you think you need to make yourself able to do all these things that you are obviously not going to be able to do.

You don't see the mechanic that is going to take you and place you in a car, you don't see the car (or even know that it exists) and you definitely don't see yourself as being part of a car. Away from the car analogy, and back to me - I don't see anything past the next two weeks, so the dreams, the promises all serve to make me feel that a beautiful impossibility lies ahead of me. One that I am not equipped for.

I think part of it too, is that you think I don't think of my future as involving other people; when I think of myself doing something in the future, the image in my head is me walking through the vast expanse of the desert alone. I always forget that the gifts of the child of God is for the body and to be used in the body of believers - thus alongside other people, like a team. The poor car battery would probably become suicidal at the thought of carrying people back and forth if it was unaware of the car seats that made up its team.

Obviously I know that God is in control, and I know that He doesn't need to give me the whole picture, and I just need to live by faith and walk by the Spirit. However willing the Spirit is though, the flesh is weak (can we just get rid of this thing Lord? :) )
So my ups are my faith and belief in the One who promised, and in His faithfulness, and my downs are my constant battles with my human nature. Its kind of like a thorn-in-the-flesh situation, so I think its a lifetime battle, that I will just keep getting better at as He gives His grace.

PS. Funny story, remember that dream I had, well two weeks ago I cut off my hair! My own personal epiphany I guess lol. No, I went for it because I think they are adorable, and I'm loving it right now!

1 comment:

  1. such a charming write-up and well articulated one. i guess we're not supposed to look too far. 2 weeks is good enough don't worry!! keep writing