Thursday, May 5, 2011

My Redemption

A poem...
We are lacking a vital element, they say, and they want to help us find it                         
But I know they think that we are poor and dysfunctional                                                 
Because we don’t think the way they do                                                                        
We don’t spend every second being lovey-dovey                                                            
We don’t try to protect each others feelings and all that nonsense,                                   
So they think we are dysfunctional, these people                                                            
Because they want everybody to be just like them                                                          
It annoys me                                                                                                                 
And I find no solace in the fact that                                                                                
My tears won’t behave, but leave me willingly                                                                
At every mention of love, care, self-worth, family                                                          
They are everywhere in my head now, with their perfect, stifling way of life                   
I can’t escape wanting it                                                                                               
To somehow replace the dark hole underneath my left lung                                              
Distributing the toxin throughout me                                                                              
My weak limbs shocked into life by selfish, self-loathing blood.                                        
I don’t know what to do                                                                                                
Now it turns out that I’m not reacting out of self-preservation                                          
 No nobility in my non-conformity.                                                                                 
I’m not a rebel against hypocrites, the revolt is on me                                                     
Pride driven, rage flowing through my veins, me.                                                           
So to sweeten my bitter                                                                                                
I go to the padlocked depths of me where I find a cancer.                                               
A lump of pride.                                                                                                           
My throat locks up, stunned into hollowness.                                                                   
I want to escape into anything else                                                                                 
But Anything Else eludes me                                                                                           
I am dysfunctional and desperate not to be                                                                     
 “What does one do, in the wake of the discovery that one is flawed beyond relief?          
I have hosted a pity party already - nobody came.”                                                         
“Beyond relief?” They search me for the answer                                                             
I nod, look away.                                                                                                          
I want them to give me a penance, a finite sentence                                                       
But they point my face to Him Who Sits On the Throne                                                    
And I look.                                                                                                                   
hibiscus flowers, fine lilies, lavender waters, warm snowflakes, sweet hallelujahs,   honey butter, bright colors, rippled rainbows, running rivers, righteousness is      mine, sunshine, moonshine, starshine                                                                  
“It Is Finished” he says, an outstretched hand lifting me.                                                  
My tears waterfall out of cupped palms as the waves from the Well of Living Waters          
Suddenly rush my hollow heart and overpower me.                                                         
Drowned in light, I peek at first Love                                                                             
That liberates in places I didn’t think freedom could ever live                                          
Jealous love, that pierces, and sets free.                                                                        

"Come now, and let us reason together, says
the Lord, though your sins are as scarlet,
they will be as white as snow..."

This is an expression of my experience with God. Getting saved/being born again/giving your life to Christ is more than a name or phrase. It's more than walking down the aisle in front of a bunch of people. Its even more than being able to one day live with God for eternity. It's making the decision to give God unlimited control of your life everyday. It's acknowledging Him in every decision you make. It's being dependent on Him, and consciously letting go of the "put yourself first" mentality to put His will first. It's making the honest statement: the life I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God. Its the best decision I have E.V.E.R made (and I've made some pretty good decisions lol), and it's been very, very worth it.